Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
