I just saw a hot homeless man
you would pick up someone in the library
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just gargled with NyQuil
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
