I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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