I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
All the doctor said was why
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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