i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
