i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
