What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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