Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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