we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
