my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
