I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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