I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
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Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
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Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize