It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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