She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
