another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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