I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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