they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
