he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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