Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
