I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
