cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I think i got beer on your cat.
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