sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
two words: eviction party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
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