I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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