I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Randomize
