I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
