I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The uberlube is also flammable
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
