At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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