She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
