I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
