I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
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There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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