I'm drive I can fine osifer
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
