I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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