I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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