Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
this hospital has no fireball
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
