please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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