Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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