I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
