I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
