Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
