Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
