You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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