I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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