He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
