Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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