There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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