your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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