she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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