I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You ate ashes out of my bong
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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