Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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