How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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