This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
