i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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