I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
