Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
